


Alone for now.

by undefinedutopia



Category: Paradox Live (Albums)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide, mmmmm tasty self deprication, nayuta fucking died, nooo dont die kanata youre so sexy ahaha, not like no one saw it coming, that isnt funny wait
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29202357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undefinedutopia/pseuds/undefinedutopia
Summary: Just what was there to consider though, anyway? Kanata was homeless; his parents had abandoned him and Nayuta from the time they were little. He didn’t have any friends. He had nowhere to go. He had nothing to lose. If anything, going through with it would gain him freedom. It would gain him peace.It would gain him Nayuta.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Alone for now.

Trains passed.

Kanata slumped down the wall and counted the days it’d been since Nayuta had succumbed to sickness. Only a month or so….Kanata had felt like it’d been longer. Time had dragged slower with every passing day, unlike the trains; gone in a few seconds. He wished that time passed like the trains. Quickly and without care, just as it once had.

Every day was a battle now. His promise to his twin was both fulfilled, yet broken. That they’d be by one another’s side forever. Kanata had stayed with Nayuta, up until his final breaths. But forever implied past the end of a lifetime, and Kanata wasn’t there for him now. Nayuta wasn’t there for him now. What was there to live for now if what you were living for before had died? Finding reasons to live wasn't easy, after all. 

Wasn’t it just easier to decide that there was none?

He stared at his hands, ignoring all the passersby as he was so used to doing before. Except, this time, there was no one to keep him company, except his own thoughts.

And so soon was it that none of those thoughts contained any good.

_What could you have done differently?_

_You didn’t work hard enough._

_If you did more for him, he would have lasted longer._

Kanata wanted to scream. He couldn’t bear being all alone with his thoughts.

He pulled himself up and dragged his feet around to nowhere. He looked up at all the high-rises and to the even higher clouds. He couldn't tell how far he’d gone looking up like that when he began to feel sick. He ran the rest of the way to an alley between buildings to let it out all over the concrete.

Not like he’d eaten much that’d come up anyway.

Kanata was thinking again; thinking the same thoughts that kept telling him how stupid and co-dependent he was to his brother. Even though he did everything, it wasn’t enough to keep Nayuta alive. It wasn’t good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. 

_I wasn’t good enough,_ he decided. 

_If I was, he’d still be here by my side._

He could only tell himself otherwise for so long. And it was long past due time for him to reflect on what could have been done otherwise. What he could have changed in such a way that today, Nayuta would be on a walk with his brother right now. But that wasn’t the case. 

The case was, the sickness that had always hindered him finally caught up. The side effects from all those experiments done on him up until Kanata found out came back, much worse than before. 

Nayuta had been suffering. And thinking about it, Kanata realized that if there was something that could have been done differently to keep him alive, he'd only be suffering for longer. 

How selfish.

Leaning against the wall, Kanata examined his still-puffy, scarred arms. 

_Hurting yourself isn’t going to bring him back, dammit,_ he told himself.

Well, he could only hold onto a shred of hope that it’d get him somewhere.

But he knew in the back of his mind that it wouldn’t. It couldn’t.

Or... _could it?_

It was almost wrong to feel as excited as Kanata did at that moment. There was nothing else he could do that would solve anything, except…

Right?

It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, anyway. After all, he was alone now. There was no one to look after him, and no one for him to look after. The only second opinion he had was himself. He wanted to run back to the slum. He wanted to get it over with immediately. 

But he didn’t. He decided to take in a little more fresh air, think about if it really was worth it. 

But just what was there to consider though, anyway? Kanata was homeless; his parents had abandoned him and Nayuta from the time they were little. He didn’t have any friends. He had nowhere to go. He had nothing to lose. If anything, going through with it would gain him freedom. It would gain him peace.

It would gain him Nayuta.

That was it. The sooner he did it, the sooner he’d be able to see Nayuta again. The sooner everything would be over, the sooner he would no longer need to fend for himself, fight others, just to live alone. Nothing was worth doing, no one was worth hurting, nothing was worth breaking if there was no name to do it for. If he was by himself. He felt so terribly empty in his work ever since he had lost his brother. He didn’t feel like himself without the one he swore to protect gone like that.

He wanted so badly to get another running start, but he was so exhausted that he could barely pick up his legs to even walk back to the slum that he loosely called “home”. 

Well, what was taking a nap in an alley to him _now?_

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t done it a million times before.

Kanata laid down behind a trash can. As soon as he positioned himself comfortably--or, at least as comfortable as concrete could be--he couldn’t keep his eyes open. 

Getting back to the slum would have to wait. 

He wasn’t entirely surprised that the dreams he’d been having were worsening. It was almost as if it was progression; from when Nayuta was barely hanging on to now, when Kanata was trying his best to get by after he died. This time around, though... it seemed as though Kanata himself was beginning to disappear, too. 

This time around, he was running around aimlessly. Nayuta had disappeared without a trace some dreams ago, and Kanata was engaged in a futile search for his twin brother. In real time, Nayuta had already succumbed to his weak immune system, but the dreams still haunted his brother. Kanata, in his dreams, wanted so badly to believe that Nayuta could still be found. 

He pushed his lungs to breathe, pushed his legs to run until he couldn’t anymore. Until he collapsed forward on his hands and knees, heaving for air, coughing up blood. 

He screamed Nayuta’s name time after time, but to no avail. Shouted to whatever God out there, asking where he could possibly be except in the sky, but received no answer. 

_“W-Wait--!”, he yelled to no one._

_“Why am I goin’ all translucent!?”_

_Obviously, no one answered him, and time didn’t stop either. Time stopped for no one; it surely hadn’t stopped for Nayuta. He became clearer and clearer, just like he had witnessed his brother go._

_“O-Oi-!” Kanata screamed, pain in his cries palpable._

_“I don’t wanna disappear! I ain’t gonna go down like this!”_

_But once again, why would time stop for him? He watched his hands eventually dissipate. His legs went next, and the more he went, the louder he tried to scream. But the more he left, the softer his screams became until nothing was left._

_And then everything went black._

That woke Kanata up with a start. It was pitch-dark around him. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he sighed with a relief to see that he hadn’t disappeared. But he thought again about where he was. He pulled himself up and heaved a sigh, brushing the dirt off his arms, but not bothering with his hair. He wouldn’t need to anymore, soon enough. 

It had suddenly hit Kanata that he hadn’t eaten properly since the week prior. He was hungry. He was broke. He was broken. 

He ignored his hunger. He didn’t need it. Not anymore. The slum was right there, he could relax again soon. It wasn’t like anyone was going to steal his spot, so he wasn’t in much of a hurry. Except in a way, he was. 

He wanted to get it over with.

_So was there really any time to relax?_

No. 

He heard the train sirens. The bars lowered, and the lights flashed. 

Kanata raised his head. His eyes widened and his energy surged. The energy to run. No one was around to care enough to warn him in the middle of the night. He hopped the bar and stood on the tracks, tears cascading down his face. 

For once, he was glad that he was short. 

Glad that no one would notice the small boy with a death wish and try to save him.

 _"I'm comin', Nayu…"_ , Kanata whispered to himself.

The train was coming closer and closer now, not stopping for a second. He'd be free any moment. 

His body collided with the front of the train, knocking the wind out of him with a yelp, and knocking the life out of him not half a second afterward.

He’d been alone for now.

_But not anymore._

And like any other day, be it normal or not, the trains continued to pass on by; just as carefree as the twins once were.

**Author's Note:**

> the Love stage battle put me in pain. so much pain. suffering, even. agony, if you so please.
> 
> i have issues :')


End file.
